We’re not sure about you, but the Summer Olympics are one of our favorite things to watch! And as much as we support all of our U.S. teams and athletes, we can’t deny our excitement for the Aloha Olympics, open only to Hawaii residents.
So without further ado, we present the Aloha Olympics.
This Aloha Olympics team sport begins with a qualifier round on flat ground to see who will be given the advantage of the higher elevation side of the net once the official games begin on the slopes of Haleakala Volcano. The two teams of 6 will be challenged not only by the intensely sloping ground, which must be played at elevation levels of no less than 8,000 feet, but the added challenges of occasional fly-by clouds or Nene goose visitors.
Tiger Shark Tagging
Working in teams of two, Tiger Shark Tagging is… well… just like it sounds. Departing from the starting point of Makena “Big” Beach on the most ideal murky-water days, athletes will swim out to sea in shiny, metallic wetsuits in search of tiger sharks. While one team member is in charge of grabbing the shark’s dorsal fin and holding on for a ride of no less than 10 feet, the other team member must attach a satellite-transmitter within the following 20-second span. Whichever team tags the most tiger sharks in 2 hours is deemed the winner.
Known for its extreme difficulty, Rainbow Gymnastics is also limited by its ability to only commence once an appropriately bright rainbow has been spotted by a member of the Aloha Olympics Board. Once this has occurred, a chosen gymnast from each island must then tumble their way in the direction of the perceived end of the aforementioned rainbow. Whichever gymnast can successfully complete the most amount of required tumbling skills without veering from the rainbow’s end path will be awarded the Gold medal.
The Pele Persuasion
The Hawaiian Goddess of Fire, Pele is widely recognized for her ferocious and unforgiving temper. In this Olympic Sport, brave residents must travel to Hawaii’s Halemaumau Crater at the summit of Kilauea Volcano in order to gather sizable amounts of lava rock and sand to remove from the park. Whoever escapes and avoids Pele’s Curse of noticeably bad luck for the remainder of the Olympic Games is deemed a lucky winner indeed. Gold, silver and bronze medals go to the three participants who escape any obvious bad luck, as they have somehow managed to charm Pele despite all odds.
By far the most costly sport in the Aloha Games, Resort Rugby is held at one of Hawaii’s top 5-star resorts, previously chosen by a vote from Hawaii’s resident population. Two teams of 15 players must then play a full game of Rugby in the resort lobby, with the winning team deemed as the one who causes the least damage to the interior of the resort without forfeiting any kind of normal or expected roughness of play. You know the saying, “like a bull in a china shop?” Yeah well, around here we say “like a rugby game in a resort.”
Since surfing competitions are a dime a dozen, the Aloha Games decided to step it up a notch and pair up surfers for partnered Synchronized Surfing, a graceful and elegant sport that pits two rival surfers against each other and forces them to choreograph a surfing routine that compliments their similar skills and styles. Points are earned by not only the amount and level of tricks performed, but synchronicity, costume design, creativity in choreography, chosen wave soundtrack, and level of overall camaraderie.
Armed with a GoPro, mask and fins, this individual Olympic sport challenges athletes to snorkel a total of three of Hawaii’s best snorkeling sites, all while capturing GoPro footage of an extensive list of endemic marine species. Similar to an underwater scavenger hunt, speed snorkelers must pair their quick swimming speeds with their keen eye for spotting some of Hawaii’s most unique marine life, from the easy-to-spot Hawaiian Green Sea Turtles to more elusive species like the Hawaiian Chub, Hawaiian Garden Eel, Male Psychedelic Wrasse, Hawaiian Pigfish and more.
If you think you’ve seen it all, think again. As opposed to the standard barbell and weight plates, a humpback whale is substituted in this Aloha version of Olympic weightlifting. Using the entire resting weight of a volunteer humpback, athletes must perform two standard competition lifts, the snatch and the clean and jerk. The individual with the highest average of humpback whale movement, most often measured in millimeters, takes home the Gold medal. And likely a hernia.
Played with the standard two teams of 5 players each, blowhole basketball is pretty much exactly like it sounds. Substituting the basketball hoop for one of Hawaii’s many blowholes, as well as regular basketballs for their biodegradable counterparts, team members must be careful not to slip on wet ground, and learn the art of dribbling the less-bouncy, environmentally-friendly balls on the surrounding sharp lava rock while still abiding by Olympic basketball rules and regulations.
One of the most beloved foods in the Aloha State, spam practically has its own section on The Food Pyramid. Musubi Mayhem is a team sport consisting of 5 well-known spam aficionados from each Hawaiian Island. After lining up with all of the necessary ingredients, including spam, rice and seaweed, each member of the team must construct a perfectly made Spam Musubi in relay-fashion. Once each member on the team has completed the building process, the relay begins again to see which team can consume theirs the fastest.
…and for those of you still in the dark
If you got a chuckle, please share this with a friend. If you’re upset, lighten up. It’s not real.